


Hesitant Kisses

by hotraisins



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Drinking, Fluff, M/M, Nostalgia, Past Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-22
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-19 00:21:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3589320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotraisins/pseuds/hotraisins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan might be falling for his best friend...but he doesn't want to believe it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hesitant Kisses

Ryan stretched his arms out across the bed and yawned. He held the pillow close and thought of Dan, the way he would always smile at Ryan when their eyes met, the way his laugh sounded. He missed him. It had only been around twelve hours since they'd last spoken, but it felt like years.

Ryan checked his phone and was surprised to feel disappointed when he saw Dan hadn't texted. Of course he hadn't texted; they both headed home late last night, and Dan had the dark traces of exhaustion under his eyes. Ryan had to keep himself from texting him.

"I'm not falling in love with my best friend...not again," Ryan said to himself. Brendon's face flashed before his eyes for the first time in weeks...for the first time since he imagined how Dan's lips would feel on his own. He sighed and blinked away the image, the familiar stab of longing buried deep within his chest. He sighed and sat up in bed, running a hand through his hair. 

He picked up his pillow and hugged it tightly, not wanting to get up. He looked over at the clock. It was 4:00. He felt the faint throb of a headache, the trace of nausea that accompanied a hangover. He'd long been used to these symptoms. The black-out curtains that hung from his windows weren't for sleep alone, nor the sunglasses on his nightstand. He felt the self-disappointment that had arrived at his first taste of alcohol, the same disappointment that he had forced to lie dormant at the first sign of dependency. He recalled the vow he made ten years ago; only one of many he had broken since then.

He rested his chin on the pillow, no motivation to get out of bed. What did he have to look forward to, anyway? It was Sunday. Nothing interesting ever happens on Sunday. He had almost resigned himself to going back to sleep when his phone chimed. He looked at it expectantly, a tightness in chest when he noticed who had texted.

"Hey, Ry, are you doing anything today?" Ryan could see Dan tapping the message out on his phone; the image made him smile. He immediately scolded himself for it; something that simple shouldn't have that effect on him. He couldn't help but feel like he'd felt this way before. With... No. Not today, Ryan thought. He pushed all thoughts of Brendon out of his head. That was a long time ago. He picked up his phone and tapped out a response.

"Nah. Wanna do something later?" He hit then send button and realized that he was holding his breath. His heart was beating fast and he was frustrated with himself. "No!" he wanted to scream at himself. But he still couldn't help but grin a little when he saw Dan's reply.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go downtown with me." Ryan had to keep himself from replying immediately with a resounding "yes!" He allowed himself to smile at the image of Dan and himself walking around, laughing. It was such a nice, familiar image. 

"Yeah, that sounds cool." He lifted his hand to cover his smile after sending the text. He hated that he loved Dan. He didn't need this feeling getting in the way. 

"Cool, I'll be by at 7 or so." Ryan looked at the clock again. It was 4:30. He almost groaned. He thought about how to make getting ready last two and a half hours. 

He thought back to the day he and Brendon went out for dinner in Seattle on Ryan's birthday. Brendon had flown in just to spend the day with him. Ryan had never felt more loved. The ache in his chest was relentless, the pain of missing Brendon too strong for his liking. He was supposed to be over Brendon, but now and again he could almost feel the familiar lips on his skin, the strong hands holding him at night. Only the ghost of memories remained, a phantom limb of days past. He bit his lip to staunch the flow of memories. Not today. 

He got out of bed after a moment, changing into clean clothes and fixing his hair in the floor-length mirror on the wall. He studied himself in the reflection before putting on his shirt, noticing the shadow of ribs, the sharpness of his hip bones. He'd always been skinny, but now he was something else--something akin to gaunt. He sighed and slipped on a white t-shirt. He walked to the bathroom and turned on the sink faucet, wetting his toothbrush. Somewhere in the back of his mind a memory played out, an old one. 

He saw Brendon and Spencer getting high for the first time with him and Jon in the back of the tour bus, giggly and half baked from just a couple hits. Ryan and Jon looked over at each other, grinning because of the weed and, maybe, the feeling of being so together. Nostalgia hit Ryan hard, a tsunami wave of missing the band and the feeling of camaraderie among them. No, he thought, I've got Dan now. 

He placed his toothbrush back into the holder and walked into the living room.   
There was still a long time before Dan was supposed to pick him up. He sighed and went to the kitchen to make himself a drink, telling himself that he wa not going to get drunk before Dan came for him. He wasn't. 

He picked up a battered copy of Invisible Monsters and began to read it for the four hundredth time, stopping to smile fondly at the notes scribbled in the margins, things like lyrics and the occaisonal indecipherable word. He flipped the book over in his hands, looking at the back cover. He opened it, looking at the blank pages. He studied them carefully, looking for any memories on the yellowed pages. His heart stopped when he saw a note scrawled in familiar handwriting:

"Ryan is a haggard-ass slut."

He couldn't help but chuckle at the reference from long ago. He smiled at the note and turned back to the title page of the book and lost himself in the story. 

The doorbell finally rang, and Ryan sprung up to answer it. His ratty Converse squeaked on the floor in his haste to answer. He flung open the door, greeted by a grinning Dan.

"Hey," he said. Ryan smiled. "Ready?" Dan pointed his thumb in the direction of his car. Ryan nodded and followed Dan outside, stepping into the passenger side. Dan flexed his fingers on the steering wheel and looked over at Ryan, smiling. Ryan grinned back. No, he wasn't falling in love with his friend. He couldn't be. He was just happy to have a friend as great as Dan. 

Dan started the car and drove in the direction of downtown, leaving the windows down. Ryan slipped on his sunglasses and let his arm hang out the window a little, enjoying the warm breeze. Dan turned up the radio, turning it off quickly when he recognized the song. Ryan's breathing caught for a second. He was happy that Brend--that he was making new music, he really was, but it still hurt a little to be reminded of it. He felt a hand on his knee and looked over to see Dan with an apologetic look on his face. He gave Ryan a sad smile. Ryan nodded, trying to ignore the electric current that he felt at Dan's touch. 

The rest of the ride was silent; Dan never moved his hand away, which was both a comfort and a distress to Ryan. It was only making what he felt more confusing. Dan parked the car in the public lot and stepped out, Ryan close behind him. They started walking along the sidewalk, sidestepping happy couples and sleepy-looking children. It was around 7:30, and the sun was beginning to set. 

Ryan felt a little awkward. He and Dan were standing a little too close, and he felt a temptation to lace his fingers together with Dan's. He pushed the thought aside and tried to focus on what Dan was saying, something about a girl who got a little too drunk at a party he went to the night before. 

"--a giggly drunk, too, she kept telling secrets that weren't hers to tell, and she found it hilarious." Ryan smiled at Dan. He loved his voice, the cadence and the way he carried the sentence like it was water pouring through the cracks of his hands. He could listen to Dan speak all day. He could see himself falling asleep to it, listening to the words of some Whitman poem recited in his ear... Ryan pushed the thought away, not wanting to feel the--the--whatever this was anymore. 

"Ryan," Dan said, snapping Ryan back to attention. Ryan looked up at Dan (Ryan quite liked how Dan was quite a bit taller than him), curiosity in his eyes. It was darkening now, stars dotting the sky like sparse freckles, the sunlit clouds red and expensive, like bruises. Ryan didn't break his gaze, taking in every tiny detail of Dan's face: the way his mouth gently curved upward into a sly smile, like he was always up to something; his eyes, which were the deepest blue Ryan had ever seen. He looked like the kind of man to help the helpless, or hold you tightly when the night was cold and dark and unforgiving. He looked like someone you could kiss forever and never part. And Ryan wanted to.

"Y-yeah, Dan?" Ryan asked. Dan smiled down at Ryan, one hand moving to cup the side of Ryan's face. Ryan held back a shiver. Dan's thumb rubbed the side of Ryan's face, slowly and sweet. He leaned down and his lips gently grazed Ryan's, sending a wave of heat all through his body. Ryan stood on his toes and wrapped his arms around Dan's neck, burying his hands his hair. He kissed Dan again and again, smiling through the kisses and loving the intoxicating effect Dan's lips had on him. Dan held Ryan close and put his hands on Ryan's hips, never wanting to let go.

"I've been wanting to do that for a while," Ryan confessed when he finally pulled away. Dan blushed. 

"Yeah...me too," he said, and he kissed Ryan again. 

They walked back to Dan's car, drunk off each other's lips.

**Author's Note:**

> For Axl and Jenny, just because


End file.
